My journey into natural healing started – out of desperation! – over twenty five years ago. Exploring natural forms of healing, energy work, psychology, nutrition, meditation and yoga, in order to help myself and others as much as possible, has become my passion, focus and my vocation ever since then.
I lived with some significant health issues from a young age, which weren’t really noticed or taken seriously for a long time. Looking back, I guess when tired and weak is your ‘normal’, you really don’t think to mention it to others. From as early as I can recall, I became easily fatigued and took myself off to bed willingly, even as a seven year old, whilst my younger sister and brother were clamoring to stay up as a late as possible!
The chronic tiredness grew worse when I was sent to a Catholic boarding school at the age of ten – quietly devastated at having to leave my treasured childhood home, family, friends and beloved golden retriever dog, Whiskey! The first days and weeks of that time are still a blur – I think my body and mind were frozen in fear and shock at being ‘sent away’ to live somewhere else full-time, and having to grow up and take care of myself literally overnight. Learn to sleep in a cubicle in a dormitory alongside twenty or thirty other girls, with only a thin curtain for privacy, and all that NOISE!! The nuns and staff were mostly kind but had very little time to give the children individual attention or care, so we largely had to fend for ourselves. Friends quickly became ‘family’ (and still are today!) Numbness, resignation and depression were my constant companions in those early years – and as much escapist sleep as I could get. Hiding my true feelings – from others and myself – became second nature to me. I often craved love and affection from the teachers, and developed a lot of attention-seeking strategies in order to survive and be ‘seen’.
Around this time, my parents were also in the process of an acrimonious divorce, which also meant moving house to a much smaller place in London with my mother. My sister also joined my school after two years. We were allowed out of school for an ‘exiat’ weekend every three weeks – which we often alternated between parents. My mother always seemed stressed when we saw her, and I spent a lot of the holidays feeling lonely, and longing for love and connection. Looking back on it now, our family felt very fractured and unhappy.
After two years of struggling to get my traumatised mind to focus, I was informed that I had failed several exams and would have to repeat the school year -for the second time! I was devastated. I lost almost my entire year group of friends (including my two best friends) and, immersed in a new class, the bullying began and the academic pressure intensified. I developed chronic irritable bowel syndrome as a result of ‘holding in’ all my emotions and trying to cope. I never really thought about telling my parents about how miserable I was: as is natural for children, I just assumed that I was the one at fault and felt ashamed about my struggles. At boarding school you’re also constantly told how lucky you are to be there, that you are one of the few who can afford it. I felt guilty for not being happier and unable to express my true feelings.
Even after leaving school at the age of 18, the fatigue, depression and dissociation from my feelings continued. I struggled through it at university, juggling lectures and work, parties and drinking, prolonged long lie-ins and a deep sense of unease that something inside just didn’t feel quite right. Deep down, I felt lost, alone and disconnected from my true self. I had very little confidence, no clear sense of self, and relied on friends and boyfriends to supply me with the attention and love that I had somehow never learnt to give to myself. I also had very little idea what I wanted to do with my life post university. I chose to avoid the issue until then! On my graduation day, I received some very distressing family news and spent the evening vomiting – not from alcohol but from shock. I ended up living back at my mother’s house feeling lost and confused, applying for any jobs that caught my attention and living off the $56 a week I received from the dole. A prolonged period of unemployment, coupled with the family challenges, triggered another episode of deep depression.
After six months, I finally landed an entry-level job in publishing, however my symptoms resulted in me giving it up after only eight months and walking into my doctor’s office in desperation. ME (myalgic encephalitis) and depression were diagnosed, and anti-depressants, counselling and a graduated exercise programme prescribed, along with my own ‘prescription’ of daytime tv and long periods of sleep. Nothing seemed to help. After about a year, I managed to go back to work part-time, but despite landing a rather cool job in tv production, my heart was never quite in office work or the regimented hours. After being made redundant, I decided to backpack around Europe for three months. My symptoms improved hugely during this adventure, where I felt wildly happy and free just to be myself. On my return, I got a job in fashion PR (a big mistake as it wasn’t ‘my thing’ at all). After three months, I ended up hospital with crippling abdominal pains and severe bleeding, and vowed to myself never to set foot in an office again!
Whilst recuperating, an advertisement for a part-time Zen Shiatsu course caught my eye and, looking for something interesting and worthwhile to do, I enrolled on the training. Very quickly, I ‘knew’ that I had found ‘my thing’ and immediately signed up for the full three years of training – no thinking needed. In the meantime, to support myself, I found a part-time job running a local complementary health clinic. it was here that I first got to learn and experience many different healing modalities. Finally, I was taking my first steps towards health and a new life!…
Returning to Wholeness 